So I had a really nice day yesterday. Was in work which was all good and then went out to meet friends at Mono. I appear to be living in Mono these days but they do amazing vegan organic strawberry beer and yummy vegan cheesecake so its all good. Anyways that was great. Was there for much longer than planned but it was really nice catching up and not writing anything (we had our nano meets in Mono so always were writing). So yeah all was good. Except I just woke up having a really vivid dream about *him*

Head meet desk. I’m so annoyed at myself because i’ve loads of friends, I love my job, I love my family, I love my home, I love my studies yet I cant get him out of my head. Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Switch off your emotions all is fine. But i’m not. Gah!

Anyways today after work i’m spending some time with another friend and tomorrow i’m going to the cinema. I’m keeping busy but all I want to do is hug him. And yes just hug him.

Silly girly emotions grrr @ you

So after a really nice day today doing nothing in particular, though I did see my dad for a lot of it, I went out for the night. First stop was to my favourite bar in the whole world. Its a place called Mono in Glasgow and I just love it. Has the best vegan food, vegan cheesecake to die for, and really yummy strawberry beer. Met a couple of friends in there and hung about for a couple of hours generally talking about nothing. One of my friends who was there is a girl I really respect. She’s just incredibly real and tells it like it is. She gave me a smack for thinking I wasnt cute and worth love and she gave me another smack just because its fun. We have spent a lot of time together the last few years and I really like her.

After being smacked I headed up to a restaurant where I was meeting some other friends for dinner. Matthew was the first one I bumped into and he gave me a huge bear hug. The – ouch sore ribs  – didnt seem to enter his head but frankly I didnt really care. We spent a good few hours in there and it was a lovely night. I’ve honestly never had a bad time in there and the others seemed to enjoy it a lot too. Its nice finding somewhere you can go as a vegan and enjoy it as much as your meat eating friends.

When I was getting ready to leave I was cornered by a friend who I dont really see too often who suggested we meet sometime just the two of us. I ofcourse said no though I phrased it really nicely but how could I when i’m still wrapped up in a certain person. It is nice to know you’re still thought of as cute though because right now I dont really feel it.

Ah well tomorrow i’m having a lazy day and then i’m off out to a Russian restaurant followed by salsa dancing. Should be fun again.

Life is really good right now just that one part missing. But no reason to not enjoy the journey while waiting for it to happen.

As part of being kind to myself week today I have been saying yes rather a lot.

“Essbee want to go and see fame the musical?” “Yes”, “Essbee want to go to Malta next year?” “Um yes”, “Essbee want to go and eat some fire and walk on some stilts?” “Erm well yes I guess?”

These are now down on my diary for things to do.

Hint to self – when you’re feeling a bit down dont phone your weird and wonderful friend who would rather be sky diving than sitting still. The sky diving she can do alone though. I have done it once but its been ticked off my list as a – not to be repeated thanks  – experience.

Tonight i’m off out to my favourite restaurant in Glasgow for a few hours. Knowing the people i’m going with I wont be too sober but it should be a fun night.

I am much happier today but a large chunk of me is still missing him but given the facts in the cold light of day who was I missing – a fantasy i’d created or the real person? I’m hoping for the real person but slightly more realistic is the fantasy i’d created. Either way i’m moving on and getting there.

I do these posts sometimes on my other journal and its fitting the first on this is for such an amazing person – Landsend Korobase.

I said to Lands today when I grow up I want to be like her and she laughed because we’re not that much different in age. Maybe not but Lands has many of the qualities I’d like to have.

She is always ready with an open shoulder and ready hug. It does not seem to matter what is going on in her life she always puts others first. So incredibly amazing. What is better though is that she always has amazing advice. It can sometimes be hard but you can bet it is exactly what you need to do. She is sexy as heck too. In real life and second life. So at one with her own sexuality and sensuality and boy is she! She is an amazing mum and the love shines out of her for her son and friends.

Lands, I adore you and I am so grateful you are in my life.

Thankyou for being you!

So a lot has happened in my life recently. Not all of it great but to be fair not all of it bad either. And I have learned a lot and learning is never wrong.

Incase you were living in some other planet I fell madly in love with someone. Madly because it wasnt a healthy love and it made me feel ways that werent healthy either. One of the biggest faults – or maybe biggest blessings – I have is to love unconditionally and incredibly quickly. I used to justify this that i’d rather be hurt a million times and meet one nice person than save myself from hurt a million times and block special people from entering my heart. Then I justified it as i’m on the autistic spectrum so feelings and emotions are much more powerful and straightforward for me than others. If I love – I love. If I hurt – I hurt.  Now i’m going to stop justifying it and simply say I love because I am and sometimes that love is painful but if I dont love how do I know i’m alive?

So back on subject – getting my head round what has happened to me and how I feel about it. Let me say right here that I do not hate anyone who is involved in this. I do not even dislike anyone. I do dislike the circumstances but the circumstances are as they are.

He was wonderful. He said many, many beautiful things to me and I fell for him. I fell for him and I wanted to share a relationship with him. He was everything I was looking for. Sweet, protective, gentle eyes, amazing cheeks (boy has he amazing cheeks!) and for a time he was mine. The time was not long enough and people got hurt. I did cause some of that hurt but I was hurt too. Ofcourse I could have stopped a lot of that hurt for myself by being guarded but see above I loved him and at a time I honestly believe he loved me. Sometimes the brightest flames die the fastest and this is true unfortunately for us.

I have nothing but best wishes for him but I also have a few desires. I really want to work on myself. I have an appointment with my CBT on Thursday and i’m quite looking forward to that. I have appointments with my personal trainer and hope to replace the endorphins I felt every time I spoke to him with healthier ones. I have many nights out planned with family and friends and I hope to feel loved the way I did for such a brief period of time with him. I also have a lot of time with nothing planned which will give me time to hear silence and reflect.

A large part of my heart hopes he will come back to me and we can build something but the biggest part knows that whether he does or does not I need to be happy with me and currently I am not. I hope the poem if you love someone set them free and if they love you they will come back is true but a larger part hopes if you have been set free do not wait too long to come back because you may find you are not missed.

If he is reading this I hope he finds love, security and reasons for his cheeks to smile the way I love. Whether that is with me or not. And for myself I hope I find peace whether that is with him or not. And for us both I hope one time to see his cheeks and heart again whether that is together or not.

As an end to this post music always plays a very important part in my life. This song was playing the night we split and the lyrics have made me cry and wash my heart often since.

“Far Away”

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

http://www.lively.com/html/shutdown.html

Text:

After careful consideration, we have decided to shut down Lively.

Since Lively’s launch, we have been delighted to see the creative ways you’ve used the product. We enjoyed hanging out in Jen’s coffee house, and checking out the Brasil Party room. We got a kick out of the YouTube videos in a variety of languages telling stories about your avatars. And we’ve been awed by the elaborate rooms that you’ve constructed, using mosaic tiles and photo gadgets in novel ways.

We will shut down Lively on December 31, 2008. Embedded rooms in blogs and other web pages will continue to show an image, but users will no longer be able to enter Lively rooms and interact.

Between now and the end of the year we encourage you to capture all your hard work by taking videos and screenshots of your rooms. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. We’ve learned a lot about how users interact in rich social environments, and we hope you’ve enjoyed your time with Lively.

My conclusion:

Sometimes SL has some errors, sometimes it goes a bit wrong and sometimes its not easy operating or residing on such new technology. At the end of the day though the rides are part of the fun and there simply isnt anything nearly good enough to compete. Also as others have said SL is about the people. Its fine having the technology but if you cant transport your friends to a new grid with you whats the point of being there? Might as well stay home and kill sims in their swimming pool

So this is my first entry and kinda fitting that its about one of my favourite topics. This past year has seen a lot of changes in my life both good and bad. One thing that has remained constant is how fortunate I am to be loved and to love back in return. It’s such a simple notion but it’s one that is so very important.

A few years ago when I was particularly ill I would never have dreamt of finding a job I love, living in my own flat without full time care or just looking forward to chats with friends and loved ones but thats what i’ve got.

I am so fortunate to wake up every day honestly looking forward to the day ahead at work. I love my colleagues. Even the ones who slag me off for my taste in boys or music. I love my friends very much. I love that I know they are there for me and will listen to me whenever I need them. I love that they know I am there for them though sometimes I wish they would shelter me less. I love my family and how amazing they are to me. Yes even when we dont quite see eye to eye. I love my studies even when i’m stressing over assessments and exams. And most importantly I love being in love.

There is a song I adore with a line in it “these four words are said too much”. I understand the meaning of the song and that love often is not enough to say but for me it is not said enough. So to all my friends, family and the world I love you all and i’m thankful every day to be part of you.