Like this:

So a lot has happened in my life recently. Not all of it great but to be fair not all of it bad either. And I have learned a lot and learning is never wrong.

Incase you were living in some other planet I fell madly in love with someone. Madly because it wasnt a healthy love and it made me feel ways that werent healthy either. One of the biggest faults – or maybe biggest blessings – I have is to love unconditionally and incredibly quickly. I used to justify this that i’d rather be hurt a million times and meet one nice person than save myself from hurt a million times and block special people from entering my heart. Then I justified it as i’m on the autistic spectrum so feelings and emotions are much more powerful and straightforward for me than others. If I love – I love. If I hurt – I hurt.  Now i’m going to stop justifying it and simply say I love because I am and sometimes that love is painful but if I dont love how do I know i’m alive?

So back on subject – getting my head round what has happened to me and how I feel about it. Let me say right here that I do not hate anyone who is involved in this. I do not even dislike anyone. I do dislike the circumstances but the circumstances are as they are.

He was wonderful. He said many, many beautiful things to me and I fell for him. I fell for him and I wanted to share a relationship with him. He was everything I was looking for. Sweet, protective, gentle eyes, amazing cheeks (boy has he amazing cheeks!) and for a time he was mine. The time was not long enough and people got hurt. I did cause some of that hurt but I was hurt too. Ofcourse I could have stopped a lot of that hurt for myself by being guarded but see above I loved him and at a time I honestly believe he loved me. Sometimes the brightest flames die the fastest and this is true unfortunately for us.

I have nothing but best wishes for him but I also have a few desires. I really want to work on myself. I have an appointment with my CBT on Thursday and i’m quite looking forward to that. I have appointments with my personal trainer and hope to replace the endorphins I felt every time I spoke to him with healthier ones. I have many nights out planned with family and friends and I hope to feel loved the way I did for such a brief period of time with him. I also have a lot of time with nothing planned which will give me time to hear silence and reflect.

A large part of my heart hopes he will come back to me and we can build something but the biggest part knows that whether he does or does not I need to be happy with me and currently I am not. I hope the poem if you love someone set them free and if they love you they will come back is true but a larger part hopes if you have been set free do not wait too long to come back because you may find you are not missed.

If he is reading this I hope he finds love, security and reasons for his cheeks to smile the way I love. Whether that is with me or not. And for myself I hope I find peace whether that is with him or not. And for us both I hope one time to see his cheeks and heart again whether that is together or not.

As an end to this post music always plays a very important part in my life. This song was playing the night we split and the lyrics have made me cry and wash my heart often since.

“Far Away”

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

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